Nostalgia

I used to worry constantly that I was missing out on something. In fact, I often drank to help numb the feeling that I was missing all of the cool happenings with the fun people of the world. I felt like everyone was out living amazing lives while I was sitting home feeling sad and alone, so why not drink? At least that way I might get drunk enough to go out and talk to people. But of course, if I left my house post-bottleofwhatever I wouldn’t remember talking to anyone, and I didn’t really act like myself while I was out, so I was left feeling sad and alone again. Sad, alone, and worried that I did something completely stupid by going out. A vicious, terrible cycle if you ask me.

I sometimes feel a mild nostalgia for those days, or for the people that I used to like drinking with, but those days are gone. I read a great line somewhere that said something like “once you experience nostalgia the thing you are feeling nostalgic about is long dead”,  and that makes so much sense to me. There is no going back once you get this far down the path of recovery. I could relapse, but I can’t unlearn what I have learned, and drinking will forever haunt me because I know how much more there is to life now. I genuinely used to think that drinking was the best. Now I am sad for the person who feels that way. Not sorry for them, but sad because life has a lot more to offer than hangovers and regrets. Life is different now in so many ways, and it is important to acknowledge that every once and again.

 

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11 thoughts on “Nostalgia

  1. i think it’s also key to remember that the times you are feeling nostalgic about were probably not as awesome as you remember them to be. You might yearn for the sense of familiarity and comfort, but when you were actually in those moments, they were probably fraught with the same kinds of anxieties we’ve all struggled with – am I fitting in? Am I drinking too much? Did that just come out wrong? am i attractive enough? etc. I think we idealize the past a lot. Like selective memory.

    • Oh I know. I don’t actually yearn for them, rather feel glad that they are gone. Maybe it’s just looking back at my youthful self and friends that are no longer in my life that makes me feel keenly aware of the passage of time. I regret nothing about sobriety!

  2. I agree with that quote. I notice it with almost anything I enjoyed in my past. I often wonder if I create memories that are not true to the reality of them. I look back just a month ago when I went to Disneyland with my wife and my memories I have created are only starlit bursts of beautiful colors painted on a fresh canvass. I know for sure there was a day were I was sweaty and had a headache but that is missing from my creation of memories. Great post! Thank you for sharing on this.

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